Lately

Things have been so messed up lately. Just too much going on at once, too much for me to process and get through this. How am I supposed to focus on being healthy with all that is going on?
 
My mother left my father this weekend to stay with her male BFF/Dom/65 year old rich guy because my father “chose” another woman (also was mom’s friend his play partner and family roommate) over my mom,  and now they are in the middle of a NASTY separation, my family wants to blame my father for everything saying that he is the one who cheated on my mom but the kicker is: they were in an open relationship and he possibly chose his partner/lover over her (IDK anymore) but I can’t tell my external family that BC my mom is afraid they will disapprove of her and reject her which then places blame unfairly on my dad, my sister sides with mom pretty much 100% and doesn’t want to live with my dad while Cindy (lover/partner/roommate) is there so now I took her in until Mom & her friend Paul (Dom/65/rich guy/best friend) close on the new house and am now driving her back and forth to and from school all while working a full time job. My husband is leaving for deployment in two months and I am NOT READY, My family has placed me in the middle of this CRAZY FIASCO that no one knows the whole truth of because no one will talk to each other. Because I am adult, I have to take care of anyone. While Mom and Dad are figuring things out and reorganizing their lives, I’m left with the whirlwind mess of their drama. I am not complaining when it comes to my baby sister but it’s so hard. I just moved into a new apartment so I can’t find anything, nothing is organized, nothing is normal. My house, like my life, is FUBAR’d
 
It’s so hard having to be STRONG for everyone, not having time or energy to sort this out for myself. It’s so hard to take care of a 16 yr old, 22 yr old, 27 yr old and myself and still have the mentality of my normal self. I normally am not this confused/depressed/stressed/open about everything. I just want to check in and never check out (Hotel California)
 
I think the only reason I am posting this is to get help/document what is going on and why health is second right now. Is this even something that should be publicized?? IDK anymore? What do you do when it’s not enough? I know that is not the best thing, nutrition will always be first of course, but exercise will have to wait until  things even out.
 
Hopefully this will blow over quickly and I have time to recover. 
 
BLAH
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Beauty Rant

With this recent Kate Upton madness going on, the idea of beauty is being tossed around and there is a lot of body-shaming. With the Plus Size models versus Fashion models, the “War on Obesity”, food reform, etc…It’s hard to find any positive light on this. It DRIVES ME NUTS!! What is important is not your looks, but your health. Mental & Physical. The Plus-Size side of the story is that we want to acknowledge that big CAN be beautiful. You can be big but pretty, that skinny/thin/smaller isn’t the ONLY kind of pretty. Where as the skinny/thin/smaller sizes are saying that you are unhealthy and that we need to get back to basics. But there is so much body bashing going on.

On the Skinny Gossip’s most recent blog post “Fat Pride Burns My Hide” which trashes the Plus Model Magazine pictures, a Skinny Gossip follower Bella responded this to the post, “these pictures are so gross, who would be in their right mind and pose for pictures like that?! Well maybe she wasn’t in the right mind, all that food went to her head!”. How terrible to say about another human being! Or the cliche saying from many plus size people that says Fashion Models are just anorexic. Again, how hateful. We dream of emotional equality for all races, religious beliefs, political opinions, and body types but are unwilling to give the same respect.

Now I am not condoning Anorexia Nervosa or being overweight, but I am saying that the bashing HAS to stop. Progress can not be made while there are still thoughts like that going on. The Fashion Model Supporters have to accept that Plus size modeling is not advocating for women to be “lazy, eat alot, and stay overweight” but to be happy and love yourself for who you are. The Plus Size Modeling world needs to see that the Fashion World is just looking for a generalized “healthy” look.

As for beauty, I think Kate Upton is beautiful. I think Crystal Renn is beautiful, I think Eliana Ramos is beautiful, I think Adele is beautiful, I think Robyn Lawley is beautiful, Randi Graves is beautiful. I think the most beautiful thing is a person who loves themself. My weight loss journey isn’t to look like a Fashion Model or

I challenge all the readers to not generalize beauty as “FAT” or “SKINNY”. You don’t have to like other people’s body, but you can keep that to yourself and instad spread love and acceptance. Sometimes, people’s journey, whether it’s to lose/gain/maintain weight or to build their self esteem up, takes time and love & appreciation. It REALLY is “what’s on the inside counts”.

~Life & Love~

R.I.P.

I just found out I lost a dear friend today. He was my Manager for my old job, The Kangaroo, but he was more than that too. He was like a big bother. Granted I haven’t seen him in a few months, but that is how it goes with family sometimes. I know that if I needed him, he would be there for me. I only wish I was there for him more.

 He is the kind of guy who cares more for his team and family and friends than himself. I can’t tell you how many times he has stressed himself sick trying to take care of everyone. Whether it’s work, friends, or family. He had a beautiful daughter and a wonderful set of friends. Our Kangaroo family was seamless, crazy most of the time, but wonderful. He was never much of a boss to me but a friend, a big brother. He was always there for me in ways that a big brother was. I was his assistant manager, but he always wanted more for me. I can’t tell you all the countless times we have just talked or BS’d at work trying to get through the day. There are a couple times that stick out most to me.

 He was hilariously funny. He told the weirdest jokes and stories that would sometimes leave you with your jaw on the floor and shivering in disgust. I didn’t care about working with him or working hard because he was such a fun person to be with. It never felt like work, just hanging out with a friend and making money! He loved to laugh, LOVED IT! We would listen to the radio and dance during work, or even one time, he chased me around the store with a compressed air can just to freeze burn my skin. We would watch videos at work (Happy Tree Friends), dance at work, debates on who is the better music artist, or just be silly. He was a fun person to be around. He taught me to make the most out of any situation and make it fun. Its amazing how things change with a radio and an fun friend.

 As much as I loved my job at the Kangaroo, he always wanted me to succeed in whatever I chose to do. After being at the Roo for nearly 2 years, I was looking for a newer job. So instead of hoarding me to himself and telling me not to do it, he gave me interview tips, told me job sites to check out, and recommended jobs he had heard of from others. He always pushed for me to be better than what I was, even if it meant losing my employment. Unlike many other bosses, he treated me like a human being, like a person. He always taught me that the key to good management is to remember that “I am a human first, a person, then a manager”. He always took my life into account, and treated me with the same courtesy that any person would want. He was so generous that way, so kind. I will always remember that about him.

 There were alot of times that I have struggled in life. He was there for alot of it. He had always believed in me & knew that I was meant for more. He always cared for me as a person and encouraged me to stand up for myself and what I believe in. He made me laugh & enjoy even the crappiest parts of life. he was a good man and will be incredibly missed. I think that thought despite the circumstances of him leaving us, and how devastating it is that such an incredible man and father has gone, sadness isn’t how I should remember him. I will remember all the fun times that we had, the stories he told me of his daughter and loved ones, and the lessons he taught me. I will never forget him.