Lately

Things have been so messed up lately. Just too much going on at once, too much for me to process and get through this. How am I supposed to focus on being healthy with all that is going on?
 
My mother left my father this weekend to stay with her male BFF/Dom/65 year old rich guy because my father “chose” another woman (also was mom’s friend his play partner and family roommate) over my mom,  and now they are in the middle of a NASTY separation, my family wants to blame my father for everything saying that he is the one who cheated on my mom but the kicker is: they were in an open relationship and he possibly chose his partner/lover over her (IDK anymore) but I can’t tell my external family that BC my mom is afraid they will disapprove of her and reject her which then places blame unfairly on my dad, my sister sides with mom pretty much 100% and doesn’t want to live with my dad while Cindy (lover/partner/roommate) is there so now I took her in until Mom & her friend Paul (Dom/65/rich guy/best friend) close on the new house and am now driving her back and forth to and from school all while working a full time job. My husband is leaving for deployment in two months and I am NOT READY, My family has placed me in the middle of this CRAZY FIASCO that no one knows the whole truth of because no one will talk to each other. Because I am adult, I have to take care of anyone. While Mom and Dad are figuring things out and reorganizing their lives, I’m left with the whirlwind mess of their drama. I am not complaining when it comes to my baby sister but it’s so hard. I just moved into a new apartment so I can’t find anything, nothing is organized, nothing is normal. My house, like my life, is FUBAR’d
 
It’s so hard having to be STRONG for everyone, not having time or energy to sort this out for myself. It’s so hard to take care of a 16 yr old, 22 yr old, 27 yr old and myself and still have the mentality of my normal self. I normally am not this confused/depressed/stressed/open about everything. I just want to check in and never check out (Hotel California)
 
I think the only reason I am posting this is to get help/document what is going on and why health is second right now. Is this even something that should be publicized?? IDK anymore? What do you do when it’s not enough? I know that is not the best thing, nutrition will always be first of course, but exercise will have to wait until  things even out.
 
Hopefully this will blow over quickly and I have time to recover. 
 
BLAH

Races & Nerves

I’ve never been a runner. Not in High School nor in Boot Camp, which is why I didn’t make it. However, I know that running is probably the most holistic way to get in shape, you have a certain type of body from running (The kind I want), and it improves so many things in your life. So to make sure I ran and prepared for it, I’ve decided to do races.

So far, I have a few 5K races planned soon and I’ve been using Couch 2 5K to prepare for it. I have an app on my phone that trains you endurance-wise to finish a 5K in half an hour! I have been slacking on that, but I am slowly but surely working on it. 

My first one is this Saturday-The Everbank Stadium Challenge. I am really nervous about that one. Not only is it running but it’s running up stadium steps! (OMG!!)  The cool thing is it’s later at night @8, the lights of the stadium will be on, and the videos of previous games will be on cheering us on. But right now, I have the Fat Girl fears going on in my head, like “you can hardly run a mile how do you expect to run 3.1?” and “YOU ARE GONNA DIE”. I have friends though that are doing this race, one who is the SAME pace as me, so it won’t be so dreadful.

The next one is Sept 29, the Color me Rad! How cool is that. It will be on a dirt trail and there will be clouds of color raining upon me. I figure if I can finish the first race ok, and I will have alot more weeks of training on Couch 2 5K so I will be better at it. But it’s trail running, completely different than treadmill running. Again, I have faith that I will do ok because I know I will have friends there. My little sister might even join!

Last is the most meaningful. I am doing the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure on Oct 20th! I have a few friends who are running it too! I think the cause is amazing considering my friends mother has successfully survived Breast Cancer and it means something more than the other two did. The proceeds from this race go to Breast Cancer research and families suffering from it. When I do this race, I will be a runner.

I have never run a race before. If anyone has any advice, tips, or just general knowledge/stories to share-please do. I am looking forward to these mostly because I have never finished ANYTHING, except High School. I haven’t finished college, didn’t finish BootCamp, nothing. I understand that I am only 22 and have my whole life ahead of me but I want to re-start my adult life with success. I figure if I see that I can finish one race, then I can do anything. When I do that, I am a runner.

NOTHING can stop me-not even myself!

~Life & love~

Hey Fat Girl!

For anyone who is overweight and not fit, you know how embarrassing it is and how stupid you feel when you go to a class and you are easily the fattest person there who is the most unfit. Every move for you is a struggle, every breath is ragged, every thought is negative and demeaning.

Last night, I went to my first Boot Camp class. There were these gorgeous girls who had the thigh gap, tone beautiful legs, strong arms, and endurance to compete with any Olympian. Here I am, rolls, fat thighs, fat calves, huge body, and sweat pouring down my face struggling to breath. These girls even sweat pretty! (how unfair is that! LOL) During the class, I kept asking myself “Why am I here?” “What makes me think I am good enough to do this?” “I look so stupid trying to do all this, I am just holding them back”, “Oh god, what must they think of me, the fat girl in the class trying to be like them, I’ll never be like that, ever. I should just leave”. After an hour of this thinking, the class was over, I nearly threw up because I worked so hard to do everything. I didn’t do everything as often as they did or as well (I pulled my thigh muscle Friday[I have a race Saturday, I didn’t want to NOT work out]). BUT I finished it. Today I went to MFP (MyFitnessPal) and someone posted this from another blogger (http://flintland.blogspot.com/)

Hey, Fat Girl.

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

After reading this, I cried. One day, I won’t be the “Fat Girl”. One day, I’ll be one of the beautiful girls like in my class. It is crazy for me to think that someone might think this of me, or any other fat girl struggling to bring the beautiful girl out.

Fat Girls:

We are strong. We are beautiful. We are inspiring. We are determined.

~Life & Love~